The point being that the "runaway" spouses/partners discussed on this board are the ones who think THEY have to be "in love" and "in lust." Abandoned is indeed the best way to describe those left in the dust. But don’t think I walked away from our loveless relationship having learned nothing about love. That’s the best place to begin figuring out how you got here. Those words were spoken to me after 22 years. However, there is no guarantee Chr85kcm. endure the terms or have the patience to persevere because Perhaps it is the stronger one at the time...no longer has the strength or no longer is willing to help...that things start to go negatively. Good luck brother. And, for the life of me, I wish I were skilled enough to be able to perform that feat, but know, in my heart of hearts, that once that sentence has been uttered, it’s time for mourning, not for communication skills training. to understand her point of view and not fall into blaming I know I don't love him at all, but he loves me. My first marriage and her second.. she only understands the make belief, fantasy story book love senecio. For me it is too much of a whining. Otherwise just break up! Have we stopped to ponder on what marriage really is? Sometimes we just don’t click with the person that loves us, on the other hand If we do click with someone all the other issues become less of a problem for us. We were just a couple, a pair, two perfectly matched pieces that didn’t have the spark they needed to weld. Steve is not saying those words are to be used as an excuse, but they are used as an excuse or a way out of the relationship. As far as it made me feel, yes devasted and that the rug had been pulled out from under my feet as well as my 3 children. I realize that this is very difficult and many people are unable to do this. Marriage is about a friendship and a commitment to love someone , not to "be in love". I totally agree with you Steve! When your mindset was a little more insecure (in a healthy way) and consciously did everything to secure your love and relationship because you didnt want to lose it. I believe some people are empty inside and use people to try to fill that void. I know your post was a long time ago however I am going through a similar situation! also go a long way in my experience. Being in love is too much to expect since experts all confirm that that feeling goes away after a few years. 10 years later it's, "what on earth did I get myself into" sort of deal. I cringe when people say these things because I care deeply about my husband and love him very much. But it really comes from is the decline in communication and sitting down and having those close talks you used to have when things were really good. You don’t love him anymore but he still loves you. Labels: Positive Discipline. Here are expert comments about this silly notion of having to be in love in order to marry or happily stay married. “Hi Claire, I have fallen in love with a man who doesn’t care about me. I don't believe most of what you said. Am I actively working toward my dreams? Recently, I started messing around with a friend/coworker too. But there is as much selfishness in wanting someone to remain in a relationship when they want or need to be free of it. Doesn't sound whiny to me at all. Doesn’t he care about me? Yes this statement was made to me to just so my husband could justify an affair he had just begun with a younger woman. Look at arranged marriages, they have the highest marriage success rates of all, far more successful than western marriages. Dont think I love him anymore :( But dont know why ! This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I dont need a man to be happy but ofcourse if I have to consider lusting a man and go to bed with him definitely be looking for a man as of the moment, I dont think that would be even an option to consider. It’s a social contract to insure the stability of the family unit and society in general. Claire writes to help women build lives filled with healing, romance, and inspiration. I make an effort to respect him. But if you confessed to someone today that you'd married without "being in love," because you'd simply wanted to get married or have the financial foundation to start a family (or buy more shoes), or maybe because you just didn't want to spend Sundays alone anymore, they would look at you with a horror akin to what you might bestow upon a person admitting to murder”. be the time to let her go, cause ultimately the choice to take you back is hers, and not yours. I’ve told him I don’t want him anymore but he won’t leave me alone. But, I have witnessed it and feel like it is one of the most loving things I have seen. Falling in love is so easy. They're not "happy" and our society also teaches that one's happiness (they read that as everlasting passionate love and sex) is of the utmost importance so they feel they can chuck everything and have another go at it with someone else. were going to leave anyway. As humans, we are attracted to certain people and we can grow feelings without even realizing it. I am not going to be intimate with you anymore. Hi, darling. For those who have been married for more than 15 years and are still in love/attracted to your spouse— consider yourself lucky. Being in love and loving someone are two different things. If it were the once I could possibly move on and forgive but not this. Are my personal health and spirituality needs being met right now? – ALLOW yourself to feel that. He just with you out of convenience. view your quitting on her after she gave you the boot that you didn’t really catch on until the early 20th century. When a man no longer loves a man, he makes it obvious and certain things change about him. We only have one life. In fact, it may be worse than that. She is the author of Divorce: How to Tell the Kids, Runaway Husbands and My Sister, My Self. while she is still angry at you. This was part of a pattern that had developed over the past 5 years of marriage. relationship, then make it clear as honestly as you can that you The only people I hear that kind of response from are those that were the ones that left and are making excuses for their behavoir. Here is where the importance of communicating comes to play...at certain points in time, throughout ones life one person is going to need the other to be the strength, encouragement and emotional anchor. Steve55, I'm another Anonymous who has posted before. Men in this circumstance may want to remain friends and don’t understand why that’s not possible for the woman they are leaving behind. Your marriage then stays intact through the love and friendship. There's a huge leap made in the article that the phrase means sexual intimacy has been neglected - not necessarily, a couple can have great sex together without the whole *in love* thing. They want a 'hall pass' We work together and we talk, but when I sound serious he stops talking to me for a while. It is never "just over." My spouse walked out on the marriage (25 years) and children and acts now as if we never existed. But you CAN control what you do about it, AND what you learn about yourself from it… I am crazy about him! It is possible to love someone deeply in a familial way, and want to leave. screwed up and hurt her in some way. experience either you played a part in her leaving, or her You don't get to say, "I don't love you." The things they once had in common, they no longer do..etc. Sounds like someone who's objectively commenting after living life. scorn. I could literally felt my heart stop from beating and the world stop evolving on me. A whole year's worth of truth, lies, deceit, and selfishness. some "expert" may try to make a blanket statement. Because there are people involved the only rules that matter are what consenting adults agree on, not what I read in psychology today. okay so i love this guy and he loves me too, but his past aint so good, he’s been with other ladies in bed and beyond, yet the girls he’s done it with he doesnt love , he said im the one he wants and that he loves it with me the most but i dont get him. Feelings never end marriages. Breakups are icky and sometimes it takes a whole lot of little things in our relationship to disintegrate for us to see that it just isn't working anymore. The Three Biggest Obstacles to Saving the Planet, Can You Tell Fact from Fiction? What are the biggest things holding me back from a vibrant dating life? I think people who use this statement expect that love to go on forever, or are simply too immature to realize that the fire will always die out. up to her, and if you want an honest chance at "rekindling" the In a marriage it means "I'm too immature to realize what love is in a long term marriage". relationship, and then proceed to the task of fault finding as a My kids greatly benefit. completely turned off by husband but love him: Don't think I love him anymore.. but what to do? Then the person to whom these words have been spoken comes to my office and asks if it’s possible to bring that stilled body of a marriage back from the grave. This Might Be Why, Technology, Communication, and Our Misconceptions. It is now 6 months latter and my husband is over that relationship so he says and says he still loves me. The new car smells good in the beginning but to keep that older car takes some work and shes just not willing to perform the maintenance. Choices do. Is there a particular old injury or unmet need that is causing me to love someone who doesn’t love me back? hope this helps. I've witnessed a lot of marriages fall apart when one partner had an affair and then left. You think of their good qualities. Our "passion" steers the boat. Very well said! Maybe your theory on arranged marriages holds some truth, and maybe not. running from you out of fear of getting hurt and may still have As i understand people grow and things change and ive read everyones comments and opinions on this matter, which sure some have helped me feel better about it and some still leave me questioning what does it mean how does one be strong enough to accept such words. that much of what we say is situational, and then sometimes ", even though I've been lucky enough to not had it said to me, nor have I said it to anyone else, but heard plenty of people around me say it. If you were just in it for the "love," you should not have MARRIED them. victim behavior, because as cathartic as that might feel, in my I just don't understand how there is so little devotion and makes me question if he ever felt any real love (or if he was motivated only by the thrill of the initial pursuit). One - Friendship. Thank you for writing. This Is Why Many Couples Struggle With Sex. Guest Posted on 28-06-2011 at 6.40PM . In not one single case would I characterize what the partner who left did as "loving." It will pass. It’s been months and he doesn’t do anything to comfort me. It's just an excuse. He or she may also wish that the web of familial relationship could be preserved when the sexual love is gone. if you can manage to not make her I have tried to leave a couple times & he uses our child against me. 1. Im recently a female of this action the words were spoken to be by my childrens father and partner of 15 years. You can love the and not be their spouse anymore. Now things start to get really convoluted becuase the week one Now Strong feels isolated and confused and pushed away. Sometimes the person being told knew it without knowing; had been aware for some time that there wasn’t much flash in the eye anymore. All, even great loves, end up as friendships for a certain time and YES passion can come back into the relationship it just takes time and work to welcome it back. They rationalize their behavior by saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and therefore, in their minds, free themselves from their commitments and can then pursue their personal desires, creating a wake of devastation behind. Everyone wants a magic relationship that feels different and special. But here I'm reading that everyone here is going crazy and bonkers over those words, as if they were fightin words. That’s easier said than done, I know. 1. As stated by others relationships go through phases, it's natural as we ourselves change and grow over time from our experiences. He chose those women over me. It still echoes in my head like crazy but the good thing is I know LOVE is NEVER SELFISH and because of that I am able to let go and let GOD heal me from it. Steve, I'm not sure why everyone is bashing what you've said I think it is definitely the wisest statement on the page. I don't know, I really don't know till now. I don’t want to twist the knife in the wound, but everything has changed… They decided to leave on the pretext that they don’t feel love for you anymore. There undoubtedly are plenty of miserable arranged marriages. Thank you for your help. Choices to violate a contract and renege on promises made. I want my children to see marriage as a form of teamwork and a strong partnership. Loving someone can transcend a physical bond making it far deeper than what people see in movies and tv shows. [ 3 Answers ] Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years on and off and I thought that I really and truly loved him but now Im not so sure. He told me he is very sexually attracted to me, and i am his dream guy and that he loves the fact i am up for anything – a hike- a trip- chill at home etc. How Much Are You Willing to Sacrifice for Your Relationship? Plus, you may finally meet that man you’ve been waiting for! Good synopsis. I have been trying to find the research it's based on, but failed, so I guess I'll have to ask here: Where was this published? I agree with your assessment. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. If he is not in love with me anymore then that is not my problem that is his business to deal. 2 - We all love our family members, but we're not IN love with them... does that mean we should all disown family members? “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” It’s the one sentence that has ended more marriages than any other – this declaration that what was once a juicy plum of a relationship had withered on the vine. I completely agree with some of your points, Steve. There's absolutely nothing wrong with those words, and if anything, it's being honest and truthful rather than fake or lying. feelings that she is unwilling to admit, then in my experience the recourse would be to stick around and reassure her in soft Why We Avoid Talking About "The Relationship", I Love Someone Who Does Not Love Me (As Much). I hope yours will make that tiny bit of effort. Thrn he will say sorry, he loves me n cant live without me. By not piling huge amounts of guilt on the leaving spouse, by keeping communication open, by staying friends, by showing their children what it means to really love, by loving someone who has acted unloving, by showing them that even if they do something 'bad' that their mother/father will still love them. One half of the pair realizes that the desire has died although he or she still cares about the other and deeply wishes there were that spark, but when desire has left, it’s next to impossible to coax is to come back. 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